This will probably the longest post of mine...ever. Mostly because it has probably been one of the shittiest weeks ever. Although I guess it's hard to tell what it'll be, considering how I've just started it now and might later decide to be lazy and not finish it. But alas, there are a few (many) things that I need to rant about that all really revolve around the same thing...if you want to call it that. But you'll all get my drift by the time I'm done; or maybe not...I don't know what I'm talking about anymore.

This was sort of a week of revelation; well, revelation was present, but there was a predominance of frustration, anger, uncertainty, jealousy, and frustration all over again. Revelation part: I don't like feeling like I'm being used as some kind of sick, ego-boosting tool. I don't like playing games, and I don't play them very well, as is apparent. That's actually kind of funny because even as a child I never liked playing games because I hate losing. And in this game, it never seems as if the ball's in my court - perhaps it's wrong to think of it like that because it shouldn't be game in the first place. But things are said and things aren't said - things are done and things aren't done; in the end, where do I end up? Absofuckinglutely nowhere. No...worse that that....I end up even further behind than I was when I started. Also, as is apparent, that pisses me off. All I'm asking for is some kind of sincere acknowledgement - not some tip-toeing around the real issues that are obviously there...perhaps not so much?

But maybe that's the thing, I'm being a hypocrite because I'm not personally going to address the real issue by name. Mostly out of fear, because what do I have to lose? A lot - I think I've already lost my sanity. This is coming from a person who always thought of herself as a relatively sane person but apparently all I had to do was wait before life kicked my ass as hard as it could.

I like to think that some things are meant to be; chance is not just chance, which is kind of odd coming from a person who is so not religious. What I'm fucking sick and tired of is saying "Oh, I guess it just wasn't meant to be". Because you work so hard at trying to make something work, so hard that it physically begins to hurt, and it just means that all of it is arbitrary. What's the fucking point of trying then? And yet, there's that sliver of optimism that keeps hoping, keeps hoping that something will finally turn out the way that I want it to, and all I feel right now is like a dog who gets patted on the head, thrown a biscuit for demonstrating a trick. Whoop-de-doo...

It's kind of sad to think that it could also be because I've never really been hurt before. But damn, what a way to be introduced to it - sometimes it'll travel to the back of my mind where I'll think very little of it, especially when I'm doing school work or something, but then I'll take a break and there it'll be, and it never really gets any easier. It doesn't help that I keep exposing myself to it , and Sarah keeps scolding me for doing this, but I can't help it for some reason... I'm grasping on to whatever little string is left so that it'll drag me along.

Thing is, the only person I can blame is myself, no matter how much I try to tell myself differently. I try to tell myself that I'm too good for this whole entire mess, but the truth is that I can't really believe it. Everyone asks why I can't just move on because it's so obviously not worth the effort I'm putting into it, and yet I can't get myself to move on. Just when I think that I'm ready to give up, it seems to rear its head again and everything I said before doesn't seem to apply anymore.

I think it's time for a angry list. I am fucking tired of:
- waiting. Uttara was right: patience is a waste of time.
- questions. Mostly the ones that I keep asking myself, the ones I've asked for several months now. Ones that seem to have an answer one day, ones that return to the "unanswered" pile the next, then are answered again, but in a completely different way.
- more questions.
- uncertainty. Very similar to "questions" and "more questions"
- hoping. Tied into "waiting"...
- feeling stupid and pathetic.
- feeling inferior. Because I know I'm not.
- feeling perpetually preoccupied by this one thing.
- jealousy. It's stupid, it's purely speculative, it pisses me off, I have it.
- feeling insignificant.
- silently brooding. Although I guess it's not so silent anymore, yes?
- feeling like complete, total shit. Just as a recap to it all.

So maybe this'll all pass tomorrow. But I know that it'll come back if I don't do something about it, and I keep putting that off because I keep deluding myself into thinking that it'll eventually pass...

But it obviously hasn't.

:: Emily 12:22 AM [+] ::